I can’t tell you how many friends and clients have said to me, “just ____ more years and my youngest will be in college and then I can get divorced.” It’s an old question, should I get divorced now or stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children and get divorced after they are grown, out of high school, the house, or college? I’ve heard it from men and women, but mostly women.
It brings up a few
questions. Is it better for kids to be
raised by two parents in the same house even if those parents are unhappy and
the house is sometimes filled with tension?
Is your marriage really over, were you a poor match to begin with or are
you just going through a tough time? How
bad is your marriage? Are you and your
spouse both interested and willing to work on making it better? Are you resilient enough to move on at this
time? Why are women so overwhelmed?
I’ll just address the first
question right now and save the rest for another day. Is it better to stay together for the kids?
There is no easy answer. My parents were divorced when I was five, I had two
younger brothers who were 3 and 4 years old.
We grew up knowing nothing different.
It just was the way it was. The
actual “split” is a non-event in my memory.
There was no dramatic argument, no yelling and screaming, no slamming of
the door on the way out. There had been
some dramatic arguments prior to that, at least a couple that I remember and
found upsetting at the time. My parents
divorce was not child centered, they were not good co-parents. My mother often spoke negatively of my
Father. My Father never said a bad word
about my Mother. They both put us in the
middle frequently. Two of the three of us are currently married and have
children, we have each been previously divorced once ourselves. The third has never married.
My cousins, three of them all
about the same ages as my brothers and I, had parents who stayed together until
they were all out of high school and then divorced. We have spoken of this issue at family
gatherings a few times over the years.
The sudden divorce of their parents surprised and upset them. They expressed feeling like their family life
growing up was a sham, that they lost a certain sense of security in facing the
thought that the “happy” family they thought they grew up in, really wasn’t as
it appeared. It made them question their ability to assess their own
reality. My Aunt and Uncle apparently
did a pretty good job of appearing happy on the “outside.” They remain on friendly terms and the divorce
was not an ugly, nasty one. One of the
three is married with children, the other two have never married. All of us, by
the way, are now in our fifties.
I don’t think there is an easy
answer to whether or not to stay married for the kids. Every couple fights from time to time. How you fight, how you resolve differences,
how you “make-up” afterwards is important to consider. If you can be somewhat respectful in your
arguments, stay connected emotionally in a positive way when you are working
through problems, this is not harmful to your children. However, if your relationship is destructive
emotionally and there are frequent, contemptuous, hurtful arguments, it’s
probably not a great environment in which to raise children. If there is domestic violence, physical or
emotional abuse of each other or the children, a divorce is appropriate.
Children learn how to relate to
others by observing those around them.
If the example they are learning from their parents is that marriage is
hard, both parties are unhappy, you fight a lot and don’t seem to enjoy being
together, then I’m not sure they are better off in an intact family. What if everyone was actually happier if you
got divorced? What if you and your
spouse actually got along better if you lived apart?
Children aren’t necessarily
harmed by divorce. They are affected by
it, yes. But they take their cues from
the adults. If you and your spouse can
be better friends and co-parents by living apart, that’s not harmful to your
children. If you can go on to have
better relationships with more well suited partners, then that’s not bad for
your children either. They get a chance
to see what a healthy and respectful relationship looks like.
Parents, especially Mothers, often tell me, I don’t want to be away from my children fifty percent of the time. I don’t want to miss out on school events, first dates, sporting events, etc. In a “good divorce” parents don’t have to miss out on as much as they think. If the parents can be respectful of one another, they can both attend school events, games, and activities regardless of whose day it is to have the children. The key is to make it a pleasant time for the children. If you can’t and both of you being there just makes it tense, and the kids are worried about a fight breaking out, then take turns attending events. Interestingly enough, what I often hear from parents later on is that they appreciate a break now and then, being able to catch up on sleep, see friends, have some alone time, or even a “sleep over of their own.”
I have clients ask me on a regular basis, “How do we tell the kids? They are going to be so surprised, they aren’t expecting this.” They tell me they are very good about concealing their differences from the children. So we come up with a plan. At the next session, the report I hear time and again is, the children weren’t that shocked, they knew something was wrong and they took it pretty well. Kids are very observant, they know when Mom and Dad are happy, sad, frustrated, or depressed. They might not express it or be able to label it, but they know.
Kids are also very resilient, if
we allow them to be. If we give them a
chance to have their own feelings, express those feelings and deal with them
effectively. The kids will be okay if we
allow them to love and enjoy both parents; if we avoid putting our feelings and
frustrations on them; and if we don’t
put them in the middle, make them responsible for our happiness, or expect them
to choose sides.
Deciding whether or not to
divorce is difficult. Consider seeing a
therapist to help you evaluate why you are considering divorce and whether or
not your marriage is just in need of a tune-up or whether it’s really over. If it’s time to move on, consider how to
approach your divorce in a respectful and positive way and how to be an
effective co-parent. There are some
excellent resources out their on marriage, divorce and co-parenting, use them!
