Tuesday, January 27, 2009

How Divorcing Couples Can be Dollar-Wise

by Robin Seigle, J.D., Director, NCRC Divorce Mediation Services

During the best of times, spending money getting divorced is similar to buying tires or seeing the dentist...it is not very much fun. During financially difficult times, many couples are finding that they have less income to work with and/or their future earnings are uncertain. The big assets most couples have, their house and/or their stock portfolios, are worth much less now than they were a year ago. Consequently, spending money getting divorced may be substantially more difficult, particularly in light of having to run two households on the same income(s).

I speak to dozens of divorcing people in the course of a month. In many cases, both parties have concluded that they do not want to hire separate attorneys and spend time and money fighting over things or their children. In some cases, one party or the other wants to use mediation, and the other person does not want to spend money on the cost of mediation. They sometimes want to use paralegals or try to do it themselves. Two options for doing it for oneself are to get a “Do-it-Yourself” book or to see the Family Law Facilitator, available on a first-come first served basis at each of the Family Courts in San Diego County.

The Family Law Facilitator, closely resembles a legal emergency room for family law clients, as parties stand in long lines before signing-in for an on-the spot appointment with an attorney, for which the person might wait a few more hours. The attorney does not provide legal advice, but information about how to file papers as a “pro per”: (person acting as their own attorney). For couples who don’t own a home and have few assets, the Family Law Facilitator can be relatively easy and no-cost (other than filing fees unless they are waived) way to get papers filed. Workshops are provided weekly to educate a group of people how to do that.

On the other hand, for couples that own homes, own businesses, have retirement plans or pensions, and/or have issues of child and or spousal support, there is middle ground between spending tens of thousands of dollars fighting in court and spending almost nothing by using the Family Law Facilitator. Mediation, conducted by Family Law attorneys, is a means to discuss the issues that must be addressed for a court to sign off on a couple’s agreement, which include:

· Division of property - assets and debts
· Support - spousal and/or child
· Parenting - including where the child lives

Each of these topics comes with legal, financial, personal-emotional, and possibly tax implications. NCRC’s Divorce Mediators, as family law practitioners, can provide important information about the legal and financial consequences, some creative ways that other clients have addressed similar issues, and a neutral environment in which to discuss the issues. These issues should be understood by both parties before they make decisions that they might regret later, or which prove to be illegal or unenforceable. If they have an idea of what they want to do, and it differs from what a court would do if a judge had to decide, they can generally do what they want to do, as long as they understand the differences.

With an hourly rate of $250 per hour, shared by the couple, a one-time administrative fee of $125 per person to cover copies, postage, messenger service, and time communicating with staff, if the NCRC mediator prepares their legal paperwork and $1800 –3500 for all of their legal paperwork, a complete divorce (discussion/negotiation, resolution, and paperwork submitted to the court for a judge’s approval) can be accomplished for as little as $2500 total (not including the court’s filing fees). The couple controls the number of meetings, the length of the meetings (NCRC reserves two hours, but some couples only use an hour at a time), when they are held, how often they are held, and the timing for preparing and submitting any legal paperwork to the court.

The Divorce Mediation process provides a client-centered process, information that will lead to informed consent, the mediator to keep the discussion focused and productive, and a means to an end that has benefits well beyond being Dollar-Wise.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Don't Use "Force"

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.

“I won’t force the children to go with the other parent,” is one of the statements I hear sometimes from parents going through a separation or divorce. This statement has become so common (three times in one day recently), that I decided a short article on this subject would be helpful.


Expectations
Parents have a lot of expectations for their children, for their own benefit. You expect them to go to school. You expect them to do their homework. You expect them to come home at night. You expect them to brush their teeth. You expect them to do their chores. You expect them not to swear in public. You expect them not to have sex. You expect them not to use drugs, etc., etc.
We use all of our resources to “force” them to do (or not do) these things. But we don’t use the word “force” with these activities. We use the word “expect.” A positive word for their long-term benefit, rather than a negative word. And your children get the message. So try not to use the word “force,” with all its negativity. Instead, use the positive word “expect.” “I expect you to go with your mother/father – we both expect that.”


It’s Not an Option
Of course, children will resist doing a negative option. They don’t want to see the dentist. They don’t want to go to school on some days. Even parents don’t want to go to work on some days. But most of us go to work anyway, because we need to get paid. It’s not an option to stay home.
Somehow, children get the message that going to the other parent’s house after a separation or divorce is optional. If you give them a choice and imply it will be a negative experience, any healthy child is going to want to avoid it. Since children have so few options in their lives, if you give them an option to avoid something negative, they will avoid it.


Children Don’t Like Moving
Most of the time, children like being where they are. When given a choice, many children who live in two households would rather stay where they are at the moment. It doesn’t mean that they don’t want to see their Mom or Dad, it just means that they don’t want to stop what they’re doing, get up, pack up, and go somewhere else. Once they get to the other house, they act just the same way. Don’t take it personally: most of the time children just prefer where they are and what they’re doing. They live in the present.


Use Positive and Negative Consequences
If children don’t do the things that we expect, we usually use consequences with them rather than physically picking them up and taking them. This is especially true with teenagers. Instead, we take away privileges or give them new opportunities when they succeed.
Take school, for example. If your child refuses to go to school, do you: Take them out for ice cream? Spend more personal time and attention with them? Take them shopping or to the movies? Allow them to watch TV all day? Surf the internet? If you do, do you think they would increasingly stay away from school? Of course. I have worked with families where this occurred. Instead, if a child resists spending time with the other parent without a very good reason, use the same consequences you would use if they refused to go to school. And don’t blame it on the other parent – just be matter-of-fact. In a separation or divorce, attitude is everything.


Avoid Assumptions
In a separation or divorce, it’s easy to misinterpret a child’s resistance to spending time with one of the parents. It may be about something very minor and the child will change his or her mood soon, unless you give this mood excessive attention or power.
It is easy for a parent to jump to the conclusion that the child has the exact same thoughts about the other parent, such as complicated anger about adult issues that the child may not know about or understand. Or you may be concerned that your child’s sadness or anger toward the other parent may mean he or she has been abused or treated badly. While these things could be true, be careful to check them out without making assumptions.


Emotions are Contagious
On the other hand, children do absorb their parent’s emotions. It’s an important part of how they learn about life, and how they stay connected to their parents. Recent brain research explains how “mirror neurons” cause children to mirror their parents’ emotions, as well as behavior. So your child may have picked up your intense emotions about the separation or divorce, and show the exact same fear, sadness, or anger – yet have no logical explanation for it. While it may seem like the child has the same feelings and thoughts that you do, your child may actually just have the same feelings – your feelings.
So be careful not to let your child see or hear your upset feelings about the other parent. Arguments or physical confrontations between parents that are observed by a child can be particularly distressing for a child and may increase their resistance to one parent. Children need to be protected from their parents’ behavior sometimes.


Get Family Counseling
If a child develops a resistance to spending time with one parent, it is potentially a serious problem which needs to be treated sooner rather than later. If there is a child abuse issue, it needs to be addressed and stopped. If there has been domestic violence (an incident or a pattern), then this is an important problem to be treated, rather than ignored. Children may be the first to show a problem which needs family attention. And if it is a child absorbing a parent’s negative emotions about the separation or divorce, this also needs to get addressed and resolved. Often the best approach is for a counselor to meet with each parent and the child or children before resistance turns into refusal. And if a child is refusing to see a parent, then it is even more important to take this approach as soon as possible. By meeting with both parents at separate times with the child or children, parents can help and support each other in helping their child. Getting an individual counselor for the child is less effective.


Conclusion
Maybe you can’t “force” a child to spend time today with one parent. But you can have consequences, investigate the situation, and get the help of a family counselor. In the long run, it will be better for all of you. © 2009 High Conflict Institute
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Bill Eddy is the President of the High Conflict Institute, LLC, based in Scottsdale, Arizona, and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California.

Friday, January 16, 2009

What Is the Parenting Plan?


By Shawn Skillin, Esq., Mediator


When a couple with children divorces they have to let the court know how they want to share the responsibility for, decision-making about and time with the children. California policy states that children benefit by having frequent and continuing contact with both parents. There are some exceptions to this general policy such as in cases of child abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or substance abuse, but most couples can expect that if they dispute custody and visitation in court, the court will order them to share their children.

JOINT LEGAL CUSTODY
First, they will have to decide how to make decisions regarding the health, education and welfare of their children. This involves such decisions as which pediatrician they see, what school they attend, what religion (if any) they practice and when or if to get braces on their teeth. Generally, parents share equally in these decisions. This is referred to as “Joint Legal Custody.” It means that before you change schools, doctors or dentists you should discuss with each other what is best for your child. Occasionally, when one parent is difficult to deal with on these issues, the court may give decision making to one parent. With Joint Legal Custody both parents have access to school and medical records for their children and can consult with any professional the children are seeing.

PARENTING PLANS
Second, the parents must develop a “parenting plan.” This is simply a schedule of when the children will be with Mom and when they will be with Dad. There are as many different parenting plans as there are families. This plan can be very general, such as “the children shall spend time with each parent as they mutually agree.” Or, it can be very detailed setting out just which days the children will be with each parent, how holidays shall be spent and when the children can go on vacation with each parent.

Parenting plans are not generally set in stone. They can change and evolve as the parents’ schedules change, the children get older and their needs change or when the parents come up with a better plan. Having a plan in writing is required in every divorce agreement when children are involved, but this doesn’t mean you can’t make special agreements to deviate from the plan as long as you both agree. Parenting plans often evolve over time as the parties figure out what works and what doesn’t. Permanent changes should be reduced to writing and filed with the court, just in case a problem comes up later.

THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN DEVELOPING A PARENT PLAN
· The ages and developmental stages of your children
· The personality of each child. Does the child adapt well to change? Does the child need more structure?
· Who generally helps with homework?
· How do the parents’ work schedules mesh with school and daycare schedules? Younger children need to see parents more frequently and may not do well if they do not see one of the parents for an entire week. Older children may prefer to spend one week at a time with each parent and not go back and forth during the week. You also may want to consider building in some one on one time with each child.
· Be creative, every family is different, make your parenting plan work for you and your children.

HELP FROM A COUNSELOR
A counselor can help you assess the developmental stages of your children and make suggestions regarding what is appropriate for your children.
Young children may need some help understanding the parenting plan schedule. Try setting up a calendar in the kitchen at each home and color coding it with stickers. Blue for Dad’s house, pink or green for Mom’s. Cross off each day as it passes. This gives the child a visual clue of when they will next see the other parent.

LONG DISTANCE VISITATION
Today, many families live far apart from one another. Luckily, technology gives parents and children many ways to keep in touch whether they live across town, across the country or around the globe. These innovative ideas can be incorporated into your parenting plan. For example, each parent may have a computer with a camera, so that children may communicate with the other parent and see each other while they talk. Some long distance parents use this technique to read to their children, help with homework or show off new toys, clothes or pets. With e-mail, faxes, scanners, and computers with cameras, keeping in touch with your children is easier than ever. The parenting plan can contain a schedule for visitation by computer, e-mail or chat room.

Work together, be flexible and consider the needs of your children and you can create a custom parenting plan that really works for your family!

Excerpted from YOUR FAMILY MEDIATOR
A Newsletter of the National Conflict Resolution Center
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Shawn Skillin a Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego, California.