4 Skills for Mediation
A Client Handout
© 2012 by Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.
If you’re preparing for a
mediation to solve any type of problem, it helps to know about 4 key skills
that can help you during the mediation process. Most mediations involve a
mediator who has been trained to stay neutral and help the participants make their
own decisions. The mediator is in charge of the process and the participants
are in charge of making proposals and making decisions about the issues at
hand. Sometimes people try to persuade the mediator to take sides, but the
mediator is supposed to be very careful to stay neutral and to help the parties
make their own decisions. The following 4 skills can help.
1.
Managed Emotions
Talking about unresolved
issues can be emotionally upsetting. However, it is possible to manage your own
emotions by anticipating upsetting moments and preparing for them. Don’t be
surprised if you feel frustrated or angry upon hearing different points of
view, hearing proposals you don’t like, and having to think of alternatives.
Remember that most conflicts are resolved through this process of talking and
listening and creating solutions. Prepare yourself to deal with any possible
difficult moments.
How can you help yourself
stay calm? One of the best techniques is to memorize short encouraging
statements that you can tell yourself as you are going through the
process, such as:
PATIENCE:
·
The agreement at
the end is all that matters.
·
Sometimes it
takes a while, but an agreement is usually reached.
·
With
high-conflict emotions it usually takes longer, but agreements can still be
reached.
DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY:
·
Personal attacks
are not about me – they’re about the person who lacks self-control.
·
I don’t have to
defend myself or prove myself – I’m already okay as a person.
·
We can disagree
about the past – reaching an agreement about the future is what matters.
2.
Flexible Thinking
A big focus of mediation
and other settlement methods is making proposals. It helps to prepare proposals
for each issue you are trying to resolve or plan to raise in the mediation.
That way you don’t get stuck in “all-or-nothing thinking” and can avoid just
getting upset when your first proposal isn’t immediately accepted. Any concern
about the past can be turned into a proposal about the future.
It can help to prepare two
proposals on any issue that you or the other person is likely to raise, so that
you don’t get stuck if your first proposal is not accepted right away. You can
make a list of issues and then write two proposals for how you would like to
see each one get resolved.
Responding to proposals is
another area in which practice can help. In general, just respond with “Yes”
“No” or “I’ll Think About It.” This saves arguing over the proposal itself,
since what really matters is finding an agreement. Of course, you can ask
questions about a proposal for greater understanding and to picture how it
would look if you both agreed. But avoid challenging questions, like: “Why did
you say that?” Or: “Do you realize that’s ridiculous?” If you disagree, just
pause and calmly say “I won’t agree to that,” and focus on making a new
proposal yourself.
3. Moderate
Behaviors
Mediation is a structured
process, to help people think of reasonable solutions to problems, even when
they are upset. Therefore, there are several ground rules in most mediations.
It helps to think about them in advance and remind yourself to follow them,
including:
A.
Don’t interrupt
while the other person is speaking. Instead, make notes to remind yourself of
any ideas that pop up while he or she is talking. Then you can raise them when
appropriate.
B. Treat everyone
with respect. This means avoiding insulting comments, raising your voice or
pointing fingers. These behaviors often trigger defensiveness in the other
person. Instead, you want everyone to stay calm and rational, in order to focus
on solving the problems you came to discuss. Speaking respectfully goes a long
way toward reaching agreements that will work and last over time.
C.
Use “I”
statements. These are sentences that start with “I feel…” or “I prefer…” or “I
have another idea…” Avoid “You” statements, such as “You always…” or “You
never…” “You” statements tend to trigger defensiveness in the other person,
which will make it harder to reach an agreement. Just use “I” statements to
convey your own perspective, rather than assumptions or criticisms of the other
person’s perspective. Remember, all you need to do is to reach an agreement.
You don’t need to try to change the other person’s way of thinking (which is
unlikely anyway).
D. Ask to take a
break, if necessary. Avoid just getting up and walking out. Ask for a break, so
that everyone can stop for a few minutes. Mediation is more flexible than a
court hearing or arbitration. Taking breaks can help you earn respect – rather
than resentment if you rush out – and can help you calm down if you’re upset.
It’s also fine to take a break to get advice from a lawyer, friend or other
advisor before you make final agreements. Just ask for some time to do so –
either a few minutes, or several days or weeks if necessary. Mediators
generally do not pressure you to make final decisions at the same time as you
first discuss an issue.
4. Check
Yourself
From time to time, ask
yourself if you are using these skills. It’s easy to forget in the middle of
discussing problems or upsetting issues. The mediator will try to help everyone
in the mediation stay calm and focus on understanding problems and finding solutions.
Just think about these four skills before the mediation and during the
mediation, and you may do very well.
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Bill Eddy is an attorney and therapist, and the Senior Family Mediator at Divorce Mediation Group in San Diego, CA. For information about Divorce Mediation Group’s mediation services, go to www.ncrconline.com or call 619-238-2400 x 223.
Bill Eddy is an attorney and therapist, and the Senior Family Mediator at Divorce Mediation Group in San Diego, CA. For information about Divorce Mediation Group’s mediation services, go to www.ncrconline.com or call 619-238-2400 x 223.
He is also the President of the High Conflict Institute and the author
of “It’s All Your Fault!”:12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for
Everything. For information about his books or seminars, go to: www.highconflictinstitute.com.
