Tuesday, November 25, 2014

DIVORCE MEDIATION 101 - FREE WORKSHOP



DIVORCE MEDIATION 101 (a free workshop for you) Divorce Mediation 101 is a free workshop designed to answer your questions about mediation at Divorce Mediation Group. It's held on the first and third Tuesday of each month at our offices in downtown San Diego. NEXT WORKSHOP IS DECEMBER 2, 2014.

Click on the link for more information and to register.

Register for Divorce Mediation 101

Surviving the Holidays after Divorce


Surviving the Holidays after Divorce
By Rochelle Perper, Ph.D.

       In past years, the holiday season may have been a time of great anticipation and excitement….but this year, the prospect of facing the holidays without your partner may cause anxiety and dread. It is okay to accept the difficulty of this time of year and acknowledge your loss. But remember, this difficult time won’t last forever. Below are a few practical tips for divorced parents to help you survive the holiday season:

*  Plan ahead. Discuss the schedule with your child’s other parent and be prepared to be flexible if needed.
           *  Set Boundaries. Find a way to communicate to your family and friends what you are capable of doing this year, and what you aren't. Don’t let others guilt you into taking on more than you can handle.
          *  Develop new holiday traditions and rituals. Creating new, meaningful traditions can foster joy this season and bring families closer together. Try assembling a model airplane, creating a Lego wonderland or assembling a jigsaw puzzle.
           *  Try something completely different. It may be refreshing to try something completely different that will lift everyone’s spirits and serve as a healthy distraction when difficult emotions arise. Consider going roller-skating, hiking, or having a picnic by the beach.
           *  Help children obtain a gift for the other parent. This communicates to the child your permission to love the other family which greatly reduces fear and tension.
          *  Find other single parent homes around the holidays. Spending time with others in similar situations can help you feel supported and not alone. Consider a potluck dinner with each person bringing a favorite dish.
          *  Treat yourself. Being a single parent is not easy. Find time to treat yourself to a massage, a long hot bath or a yoga class.
·         *  Discover economical ways to celebrate. There are several creative and fun ways to celebrate the season without breaking the bank. Have the children make their own greeting cards and decorations. Give cookies or other hand-made crafts as gifts. You can also exchange “IOU’s” such as walking the dog, cooking a nice dinner, or making a date to exercise or see a show.
          *  Reclaim gratitude.  Following a divorce – or any other type of significant life transition it is easy to focus on what has been lost. This is the time to make an effort to consider the things in your life that you are thankful for. Practices such as writing in a journal or sharing with others your gratitude will help reinforce this kind of thinking.

      One of the most important things is to be gentle and understanding with yourself and your children during this time of adjustment. Change is not only hard for adults, but for children, too. Children are especially likely to express feelings of hurt, confusion, sadness or fear through anger. Try to remain calm and assist your children in identifying healthy outlets to express themselves such as journaling, exercise, or relaxation.

      If you find yourself having a difficult time functioning at home or at work due to difficult emotions that arise consider joining a support group or seeking individual therapy to help you develop coping strategies. Meeting with a therapist can help you resolve past hurt and ease resentment so you can get back to feeling more like you again – and enjoying this special time of year.


Rochelle Perper, Ph.D., is the owner and Principal Psychologist of Therapy Changes. Dr. Perper established the practice in 2011 with the philosophy and approach of providing focused guidance when it is needed most. Dr. Perper is a licensed clinical psychologist in California, with a caring practice focused on helping clients better navigate and manage life’s difficult transitions.

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Holidays During Divorce


Ready or Not, Here Come the Holidays . . .  
When you're in the middle of a divorce or after the divorce is final, the holiday season can be the most difficult time of the year. You and your ex may be invited to the same parties and get-togethers. Do you go to the party where you will see each other, or do you avoid any chance of an encounter altogether? Do you spend time with the kids together for the turkey dinner or to open gifts, or do you each have your own celebrations with the kids? Is this the time to announce your separation or divorce if you haven't yet done so?  
For some, letting go of the old traditions is unthinkable. But those traditions are going to change.  It's time to invent new ways to celebrate the old holidays.
Keep the Peace on Earth

If you and your ex get along, you may be able to enjoy holiday celebrations together with your kids. If there is a chance there will be an argument, it's probably wiser to celebrate separately and let your kids off the hook with a calm, stress-free day.  They need a day free from any demonstrations of conflict between mom and dad.
Keep the "Holiday Spirits" to a Minimum
Watch your alcohol intake at holiday parties, especially if your ex is in attendance and your kids are present.  You don't need anything adding fuel to a potential fire. You really do want to be able to have a civil, respectful interaction with your ex so that there is no tension in front of the kids.

Lay the Holiday Groundwork

Be sure that you and your ex have discussed everyone's school and work schedules. Decide where the kids will be and with whom. Will be they at Grandma's house on New Year's Eve?  What do they need to take with them? Who will drop off and pick up? It helps to write all this down or post it on the refrigerator and make sure that you, your ex and the kids have a copy handy to refer to so all involved know where everyone is supposed to be and when. It will alleviate your kids' anxiety if they know you have their backs and have taken care of the loose ends ahead of time. Remember, you want to ward off any misunderstandings or arguments.  Be prepared.

Listen to your kids.  Do they have ideas about the holiday plans? Honor their favorite traditions.  Have you always fixed pancakes on Christmas morning? You can still do that with them.  Do you go to the same tree farm for the Christmas tree every year?  Make it a part of this year's celebration.  Have you gone to the same temple to worship since they were babies?  Be sure to visit that temple this year.  Your children need to know that important traditions are still intact and that their feelings are important to you.  That can only foster a sense of security and familiarity in the midst of the upheaval of their family.  

Hark!  Start New Traditions
Be creative.  Start new holiday traditions with your kids.  You might get crafty and make gifts for the family, or visit a nursing home or homeless shelter and hand out cards.  Make a video of holiday songs for Grandpa.  Choose a new recipe for mashed potatoes and make it your official family recipe.   You're starting from scratch here.  The world is your oyster. Make it great.
Rest, Ye Merry Gentlemen 
Take care of yourself during the holidays.  You're under a lot of stress right now. Don't give in to the temptation to throw caution to the wind when it comes to getting enough sleep, exercise and eating at least somewhat sensibly (easier said than done, I know).  When you feel better, you have more resources to pull from to find patience, humor and love to give to your kids and family.  
Breathe.

If you're having difficulty coping, reach out to your friends or family or to a mental health professional.  It's the smart cookie who knows when to seek help; it is never a sign of weakness. 



by Kim Werner

Program Manager

Divorce Mediation Group

kwerner@ncrconline.com