Holidays During Divorce

Ready or Not, Here Come the Holidays . . .  

When you're in the middle of a divorce or after the divorce is final, the holiday season can be the most difficult time of the year. You and your ex may be invited to the same parties and get-togethers. Do you go to the party where you will see each other, or do you avoid any chance of an encounter altogether? Do you spend time with the kids together for the turkey dinner or to open gifts, or do you each have your own celebrations with the kids? Is this the time to announce your separation or divorce if you haven't yet done so?  

For some, letting go of the old traditions is unthinkable. But those traditions are going to change.  It's time to invent new ways to celebrate the old holidays.

Keep the Peace on Earth

If you and your ex get along, you may be able to enjoy holiday celebrations together with your kids. If there is a chance there will be an argument, it's probably wiser to celebrate separately and let your kids off the hook with a calm, stress-free day.  They need a day free from any demonstrations of conflict between mom and dad.

Keep the "Holiday Spirits" to a Minimum

Watch your alcohol intake at holiday parties, especially if your ex is in attendance and your kids are present.  You don't need anything adding fuel to a potential fire. You really do want to be able to have a civil, respectful interaction with your ex so that there is no tension in front of the kids.

Lay the Holiday Groundwork

Be sure that you and your ex have discussed everyone's school and work schedules. Decide where the kids will be and with whom. Will be they at Grandma's house on New Year's Eve?  What do they need to take with them? Who will drop off and pick up? It helps to write all this down or post it on the refrigerator and make sure that you, your ex and the kids have a copy handy to refer to so all involved know where everyone is supposed to be and when. It will alleviate your kids' anxiety if they know you have their backs and have taken care of the loose ends ahead of time. Remember, you want to ward off any misunderstandings or arguments.  Be prepared.

Listen to your kids.  Do they have ideas about the holiday plans? Honor their favorite traditions.  Have you always fixed pancakes on Christmas morning? You can still do that with them.  Do you go to the same tree farm for the Christmas tree every year?  Make it a part of this year's celebration.  Have you gone to the same temple to worship since they were babies?  Be sure to visit that temple this year.  Your children need to know that important traditions are still intact and that their feelings are important to you.  That can only foster a sense of security and familiarity in the midst of the upheaval of their family.  

Hark!  Start New Traditions

Be creative.  Start new holiday traditions with your kids.  You might get crafty and make gifts for the family, or visit a nursing home or homeless shelter and hand out cards.  Make a video of holiday songs for Grandpa.  Choose a new recipe for mashed potatoes and make it your official family recipe.   You're starting from scratch here.  The world is your oyster. Make it great.

Rest, Ye Merry Gentlemen 

Take care of yourself during the holidays.  You're under a lot of stress right now. Don't give in to the temptation to throw caution to the wind when it comes to getting enough sleep, exercise and eating at least somewhat sensibly (easier said than done, I know).  When you feel better, you have more resources to pull from to find patience, humor and love to give to your kids and family.  

Breathe.

If you're having difficulty coping, reach out to your friends or family or to a mental health professional.  It's the smart cookie who knows when to seek help; it is never a sign of weakness. 

by Kim Werner

Program Manager

Divorce Mediation Group

kwerner@ncrconline.com