Surviving the
Holidays after Divorce
By Rochelle Perper,
Ph.D.
In past years, the holiday season may have been a time of
great anticipation and excitement….but this year, the prospect of facing the
holidays without your partner may cause anxiety and dread. It is okay to accept
the difficulty of this time of year and acknowledge your loss. But remember,
this difficult time won’t last forever. Below are a few practical tips for
divorced parents to help you survive the holiday season:
* Plan ahead. Discuss the schedule with your child’s other parent and be prepared to be flexible if needed.
* Set
Boundaries. Find a way to communicate to your family and friends what you
are capable of doing this year, and what you aren't. Don’t let others guilt you
into taking on more than you can handle.
* Develop
new holiday traditions and rituals. Creating new, meaningful traditions can
foster joy this season and bring families closer together. Try assembling a
model airplane, creating a Lego wonderland or assembling a jigsaw puzzle.
* Try
something completely different. It may be refreshing to try something
completely different that will lift everyone’s spirits and serve as a healthy
distraction when difficult emotions arise. Consider going roller-skating,
hiking, or having a picnic by the beach.
* Help
children obtain a gift for the other parent. This communicates to the child
your permission to love the other family which greatly reduces fear and
tension.
* Find
other single parent homes around the holidays. Spending time with others in
similar situations can help you feel supported and not alone. Consider a potluck
dinner with each person bringing a favorite dish.
* Treat
yourself. Being a single parent is not easy. Find time to treat yourself to
a massage, a long hot bath or a yoga class.
· * Discover
economical ways to celebrate. There are several creative and fun ways to
celebrate the season without breaking the bank. Have the children make their
own greeting cards and decorations. Give cookies or other hand-made crafts as
gifts. You can also exchange “IOU’s” such as walking the dog, cooking a nice
dinner, or making a date to exercise or see a show.
* Reclaim
gratitude. Following a divorce – or
any other type of significant life transition it is easy to focus on what has
been lost. This is the time to make an effort to consider the things in your
life that you are thankful for. Practices such as writing in a journal or
sharing with others your gratitude will help reinforce this kind of thinking.
One of the most important things is to be gentle and
understanding with yourself and your children during this time of adjustment.
Change is not only hard for adults, but for children, too. Children are especially
likely to express feelings of hurt, confusion, sadness or fear through anger. Try
to remain calm and assist your children in identifying healthy outlets to
express themselves such as journaling, exercise, or relaxation.
If you find yourself having a difficult time functioning at
home or at work due to difficult emotions that arise consider joining a support
group or seeking individual therapy to help you develop coping strategies. Meeting
with a therapist can help you resolve past hurt and ease resentment so you can
get back to feeling more like you again – and enjoying this special time of
year.
Rochelle Perper, Ph.D., is the owner and Principal
Psychologist of Therapy Changes.
Dr. Perper established the practice in 2011 with the philosophy and approach of
providing focused guidance when it is
needed most. Dr. Perper is a licensed clinical psychologist in
California, with a caring practice focused on helping clients better navigate
and manage life’s difficult transitions.
5 comments:
My husband of 18 years (co-parents for 25 years)and I recently divorced. He is now in his second relationship with a married woman in a year (two different women, we tried again to fix our marriage in between). He just moved in with the new one and her 3 younger kids nearby and still uses my address for mail. We have 4 kids and a grandchild. He also was in jail this summer for threatening me. We were divorced over me discovering years of lies minor and major. He has not told his family we are divorced. We have for more than 18 years sent out Christmas letters and are communicative and friendly with both families. He will not tell anyone we are divorced (we even cashed a gift check from his grandparents to both of us and he declined when I suggested at least mentioning my name change on the thank you card or return envelope). I drafted a nice holiday letter-deemed polite and "just right" by all who have seen it, including our children. All that it mentions is that he has moved on and we still have the same mailing address but the letter is mostly about the kids. I called 2 key relatives on his side. His sister and I arranged a holiday get-together for the kids since he'd been avoiding her. I have cards and letters ready for the rest of the aunts and uncles on his side. He says he doesn't care whats on my Christmas letter. Do I go ahead and send the card to the other 10 aunts and uncles on his side? They mail us too every year, so it will matter for when they do their cards and so forth. The family is geographically spread out so they may not get direct news otherwise, although some of them may suspect from my name change on Facebook. He still has lots of pics of us together on his FB though from earlier this year and before, so they might not be sure.
Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for your question. I think that honesty is always the best policy, not only for you but for the children as well. It can be hard for kids to keep a secret from those that are close to them. If your ex husband saw the card and said that he is alright with you sending it I think that this is perfectly legitimate way of sharing the news with your family. I wish you and your family the best this holiday season.
-Dr. Perper
Going through the holidays after a divorce can be pretty tough. This is the first Christmas my sister and her husband will not be together. It's a good thing that they don't have kids, because that would be really difficult for any child be unable to see their father during the holidays. I hope that they'll find a way to have a good holiday without spending it with each other this year.
https://www.sodomalaw.com/our-people/attorneys/nicole-heiden-sodoma/
This is actually a question I've had for a long time. My wife and I were separated for a while. I moved back in about a year ago and we've finally decided to get divorced. It is definitely our biggest asset in the marriage and it would be bad for me to lose it. It's kind of hard for us to live together in the same house though. I'm sure it will cause some stress for both of us and the kids. It makes sense for me to still live there until the divorce is final. It sounds like my chances of getting the house will be the best if I do that. http://www.glfamilylaw.com
The holidays are a time to be happy and spend time with the ones that you love. Going through a divorce at that time would not be a fun experience. One of my friends is having trouble at home with his wife. I do hope that he is able to fix his marriage. Maybe if he talked to a divorce attorney, they would be able to help him out. http://www.bhtampa.com/practice-areas/family-law/divorces/
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